Waking Up

All around me spring is bursting into bloom. New wonders greet me everyday as the world wakes up from winter. I feel a little like spring. Maybe a lot like spring. I feel like I am just waking up from surgery, although it will be 3 weeks tomorrow. But each day I feel a little more awake. A little more like me.

My garden is all new to me. Who knew that there were tulips, daffodils, and hyacinths waiting there for me to discover this year. It's a whole new landscape that I had no idea existed when we moved here last June. My body is like a whole new landscape that was unimaginable last June. But there is beauty to be found in the altered topography that is me.

The cancer was large but still early with no evidence of spread. I feel lucky. I feel optimistic. I feel that each precious moment of life is mine to savor, to hold, to recognize as a great gift. To hold in my heart. Much as I hold in my heart all of your unimaginable out pouring of support and love. Each comment, email, card has been such a beautiful gift that reminded me to have hope while I've been getting on with the business of living.

I am slowly getting back into the studio. I've been too tired to do much and I have restrictions on lifting and little things like making sure I don't get cuts in my hands and yuk in those little cuts. There will likely be some changes to how I do things over the next few months. But Peter and I are working out the best way to do things. I need to be in my studio. I also need to be good to myself. Balancing act skill is not necessarily well represented in my life's tool box. But maybe this is the opportunity to learn a new skill set.

I start chemotherapy the first week of April. It's a reasonably short cycle of 4 that will be finished in June. I will most likely lose all of my hair but then I've always been looking for an excuse to wear flamboyant head wear. It is time to follow through. The chemotherapy will be finished in time to welcome my new grand baby into the world. Life is good.

Everywhere I look there is something new coming to life. The red buds and forsythia and flowering plums are a quiet riot of colour against the trees that are just now swelling with the first signs of green leaves to come. Life is good. Life is very good indeed. Life is full of promise and beauty.

Transformation

In many cultures and religious traditions butterflies have significance as a symbol of transformation, transition, and even of the soul. Egg, to larvae, coccoon, and finally the butterfly emerges. So many stages and so like our own human lives as we travel from birth through childhood. We become young adults and finally we reach our older years. Physical transitions, emotional transition, and even spiritual transition as we are transformed through all of these stages.

I've been thinking a lot about transformation and transition lately. I think when you are diagnosed with cancer it is only natural to do this. I'm quite visual in my thinking so it was only natural for me to turn that thinking into simple bronze butterflies. Although now that I look at them might be more like cabbage moths. But never mind, they all go through the same transformation.

My surgery is tomorrow. I will go through a physical transformation that will take time to adjust to. But the biggest transformation seems to be emotional and spiritual. I have my ups and downs. In fact, I had a very bad down just the other day. I have fears. But mostly, I feel more connected to the gift of each day. I feel an even deeper connection to my partner and to my children. If it is possible I may even love them more. I feel a deep need to embrace life, to celebrate life, to spend time appreciating small moments of the day. I feel a need to express gratitude for the many blessings in my life. To express that gratitude loudly and with bells ringing.

Many of you know me only from this blog but yet you have reached out and shown compassion and friendship. I am deeply grateful.

On a wing and a prayer and the big C

Finally, I feel satisfied with these little bronze pieces. I've been working on them for a while.  I love these little birdies.  I saw these plump little beauties out my back door all summer and fall. They were feasting on the bird feeder just outside my studio window. They looked wren like but so big compared to the house wrens I am familiar with. They have the most beautiful song. A little internet search and there they were. The mystery of the large plump wren. I present the Carolina wren, at least my version of one. My new studio friend.

The nest with a single egg fairly flew off my pen to paper when I first heard the fantastic news that I will have a new grand baby at the end of June. It's a celebration of the gift of life that babies bring. By the way, it is a boy that we will be greeting and loving into this world.

A 'wing and a prayer' is a phrase that I often turn to in times when I am having a hard time navigating life.  But I never really knew where it came from. A little research and I find that it comes from a British song/poem about a WWII fighter plane coming home after a mission on a single engine, ..'we are coming in on a wing and a prayer...' It means essentially that I may not be operating at my optimum but I'm getting the job done.

In fact, I haven't been operating on all my engines lately. You know, I'm pretty much getting there. I'm making it home.  But the results of all of those medical tests that came about after this year's physical are not all that fantastic. Yep, it is the big C. I have breast cancer. It will require surgery soon and most likely chemo and radiation therapy. I so debated whether or not to share that on this blog. But then this blog is about the intersection of my studio with my life and .... well this one is a biggy that is going to spill over into most everything I do.

But I do feel a little like that bunny. For me bunnies are a symbol of spring, of the beginning of summer. I remember watching them as a child hopping through the back garden at dusk. I loved going out there and quietly watching them being busy foraging for their dinner. Usually that was my mothers vegetable garden. She did not share the same affection I had for the little fellows.

Spring is just around the corner.....Spring is a new beginning and I'm ready for a new beginning.

Maybe tedium is a good thing?

Making bronze beads is a tedious task to say the very least. There are all these steps and multiple times that parts have to be dried, added to, dried, sanded, smoothed. But I actually quite like this task. The beads are fragile as they are put together. Sometimes they break. But I like putting my mind on the detail that they require.

By the end of yesterday, I had this little pile of beads done. There is something rewarding in being able to look at the fruits of the day, pack them into their firing container, and load them into the kiln. And every time I open a kiln, any kiln, it is a little like Christmas. You just never know for certain exactly what you will get. Mostly it is good but occasionally there is a gift in there that I just really do not want.

Right now that tedium that goes with making beads is a good thing. The whole day passed so quickly. I have these medical tests scheduled for next week. They are unpleasant and a bit scary. I have to get naked, or at least partially naked. Maybe I can leave my socks on.  I hate the naked part. I hate getting naked in front of complete strangers. A nudist beach would never be for me. Just my nakedness. Other people can be as naked as they want. I take my nakedness seriously and privately, thank you very much. Anyway, I hardly thought about these tests at all while I was making beads, except for the naked part. So tedium is probably a good thing right now.

And, by the end of the day I had taken a little journey and come to the conclusion that there isn't much point in worrying about these tests. I can neither change the past nor predict the future. I can only show up for this particular day. I have heard it put something like this,

"this day is a gift. this is a day we could never earn or deserve. it is a gift from the universe, it is a gift from god, it is a gift from life itself."

So I am turning up each and everyday and accepting this wonderful gift.

It maybe helps that I had an idea. It may even be a brilliant idea. Or a completely stupid idea. There will be no in between on this. I am OK with that. Part of the idea is in the kiln waiting for me to uncover it.  Something to look forward to. Don't we all need that at least a little bit?

Thank you all for your kindness and the support you've shown as I pass over these bumps on the road. I haven't been able to get back to each of you the way I would like. Please know that I treasure each and every expression that I have received.

Enjoy your weekend and the gift of each day!

I am not invincible

I haven't been feeling all that well over the last couple of months. Nothing serious, just the occasional bout of dizziness and fatigue. It was easy to put this off to the holidays and all the busy that goes along with it. Nothing that you would think necessary to schedule a doctor visit. Then I had a birthday and it occured to me that I haven't actually been to the doctor in more than 3 years. Healthy as a horse. So off I went for one of those wellness checkups.

Cholesterol - pretty good
Blood pressure -excellent
Lung function - fine for an asthmatic
Liver function - excellent

Fasting blood glucose - not so great

I thought I was invincible when it came to the game of genetics roulette. The good news is that I have some answers to why I've been feeling a little off. The bad news is that I can't really change a lot in my diet (the usual first approach). More than 6 months ago I gave up sugar along with a lot of other unhealthy eating habits. Well except for the chocolates at Christmas. They were Lindt after all. A girl can only resist temptation for so long. And Lindt chocolate is an extreme temptation.

The good news. I've already conquered the diet issues, well except for the Lindt lapse. The point of all this? This blog is probably going to continue to have infrequent updates over the next few weeks as I sort through this medical issue and another that I don't even want to think about at all.

I'm still working. Just working quite slowly. I have some pretties that came out of the kiln a while ago. They'll probably land in the shop on Monday.

Meanwhile, I have always appreciated the support, kindness and friendship I've found out here in the land of blog. I thank you all for that. I just wanted you all to know that I'm actually still here, just in a much quieter, contemplative, and inconsistent version of me. I'm pretty sure that the other me will be back soon.

Full of Potential

We are home now after being away for the holidays and I see the new year as full of potential. Just like I see this bowl of beads as full of potential. Who knows what they will become. In many ways I feel that way about this new start in 2012. What will 2012 become?

Last year was so full of change. We moved our daughter in law and grand daughter to Ft Campbell. My son came home after being away for a very long year. Our daughter moved to Dallas. We moved to North Carolina. My mother died. Peter started a new job. How does that stack up on one of the life stress scales?

But this year I am looking forward to feeling more settled. More able to see the potential in each day. I don't have grand plans or many goals for the year. I've set that aside and decided to concentrate more on each day as it unfolds.

I've cleared away some impending chaos in the studio and am back to work. It goes slowly. Sometimes for me it is hard to pick back up and go again after being away. But maybe I'm just not ready. My daughter flies in this afternoon. I don't want a lot of work hanging around in my studio. I haven't seen her in 6 months. I just want savor the time we have together.

Those beads are all glazed now and cooling in the kiln. I'll open it with my daughter this afternoon. We haven't opened a kiln together in years.

My last knitting project of the year....a wee little pair of baby booties just waiting to be filled. I've been holding this knowledge close to my heart for a while now. We'll have a new grand baby this summer. Tammy is just starting show a little bit of baby tummy. It's beautiful and she and my son are so in love with this baby already. We all are. What great potential the new year holds.

Have a wonderful weekend and a wonderful 2012!

Happy holidays!

That gorgeous ornament up there came from my friend  Izzy in a gift exchange we had over at LMAJ. It's a lovely etched copper tree with a sari ribbon hanger. I could not be more pleased to add this ornament to my tree and think of sweet Izzy every time I see it.

The gifts are wrapped and the stockings are ready to be stuffed. The turkey is thawing and the cranberry compote is marinating. The nuts are spiced and the cookies are baked. I think we are ready. I know we are ready. I love this magic time of year and feel blessed to be able to spend it with my son and his family. My daughter will join us later. I can hardly wait to pick her up at the airport and wrap my arms around her. Those daily phone calls just aren't the same as being able to hug her. I'll be spending the next couple of weeks just soaking up all of the family love. See you in the new year!

Wishing you a happy holiday and a new year filled with warmth and love and time shared with your very most special people.