Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Suddenly it all seems more real than it did before. I feel like I've drifted in this bubble without letting any of the cancer issues touch me. I have so many ideas of what I'd like to be doing in the studio. I have sketches, I have molds to make, I even have ideas for jewelry I'd like to make. But I have no idea when I'll be able to get back to any of it. That makes me a little sad, a little apprehensive.
Chemo starts tomorrow and one of the drugs that I'll be given is particularly rough with a lot of side effects. When I went into the doctor yesterday and left with this list of appointments, prescriptions, and schedule of injections to try to prevent some of the worst side effects, the really scary ones, it just kind of hit me in a way that I haven't felt before.
This first cycle is the one where they find out how I'll react to the cocktail of drugs. As the oncologist puts it, it's a one size fits all cycle and they'll make adjustments from there. Sheesh, that makes me feel like a lab rat.
So I'm just trying to focus on being right here and now. Just trying to stay positive. Just being. I really only tell you all of this because so many of you have lent me so much strength and healing thoughts and prayers. And many of you have asked to stay updated. I feel much gratitude to this loving community.
That's me yesterday afternoon. In 10 days when I reach the rock bottom of this first cycle of chemo most of that hair will be gone. That doesn't actually bother me all that much. It will grow back. It may even grow back curly and possible darker. Although darker is had to picture given the amount mature platinum blonde I sport these days.
One thing I can control going into this is that hair. So by the time you read this most of that hair will be lying on the salon floor. I'm not sure how short I'll go. I may leave it up to the stylist. Just throw caution to the wind and let her do whatever she likes. Or maybe not. This is after all about taking control. But short it will be and short hair is something I haven't had since I was a little girl. It's kind of exciting.
What's even more exciting is that I'm treating myself to a pedi with massage and all sort of exotic creams and stuff that will make my feet very happy. And you know, happy feet make happy people. So I am off to get some serious pampering. I'll be back here sometime next week.