Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Being


Suddenly it all seems more real than it did before. I feel like I've drifted in this bubble without letting any of the cancer issues touch me. I have so many ideas of what I'd like to be doing in the studio. I have sketches, I have molds to make, I even have ideas for jewelry I'd like to make. But I have no idea when I'll be able to get back to any of it. That makes me a little sad, a little apprehensive.

Chemo starts tomorrow and one of the drugs that I'll be given is particularly rough with a lot of side effects. When I went into the doctor yesterday and left with this list of appointments, prescriptions, and schedule of injections to try to prevent some of the worst side effects, the really scary ones, it just kind of hit me in a way that I haven't felt before.

This first cycle is the one where they find out how I'll react to the cocktail of drugs. As the oncologist puts it, it's a one size fits all cycle and they'll make adjustments from there. Sheesh, that makes me feel like a lab rat.

So I'm just trying to focus on being right here and now. Just trying to stay positive. Just being. I really only tell you all of this because so many of you have lent me so much strength and healing thoughts and prayers. And many of you have asked to stay updated. I feel much gratitude to this loving community.



That's me yesterday afternoon. In 10 days when I reach the rock bottom of this first cycle of chemo most of that hair will be gone. That doesn't actually bother me all that much. It will grow back. It may even grow back curly and possible darker. Although darker is had to picture given the amount mature platinum blonde I sport these days.

One thing I can control going into this is that hair. So by the time you read this most of that hair will be lying on the salon floor. I'm not sure how short I'll go. I may leave it up to the stylist. Just throw caution to the wind and let her do whatever she likes. Or maybe not. This is after all about taking control. But short it will be and short hair is something I haven't had since I was a little girl. It's kind of exciting.

What's even more exciting is that I'm treating myself to a pedi with massage and all sort of exotic creams and stuff that will make my feet very happy. And you know, happy feet make happy people. So I am off to get some serious pampering. I'll be back here sometime next week.

33 comments:

Courtney said...

Sending you good thoughts and hugs! Share a picture of the shorter hair! :) (ps - love the mature platinum blond, have quite a bit of that myself)

Vintajia Adornments said...

Wishing you well LeAnn.
It will be like a storm at sea.(Ask me how I know) Uncomfortable, scary, nauseating, all you can do is endure to wait for the storm to pass and the sea to calm. Ad pass it will and the sun will shine again
xx
Greer

Michelle said...

LeAnn,
I'm so sorry to hear of your diagnosis. From your post, I can see you have your sense of humor. Hold close to it, it will help you through this challenging time ahead. I hope the side effects are mild for you.

Glad that you are pampering yourself with a pedi. You deserve it! I'll be thinking of you and checking in.

-Michelle

Zoe Nelson said...

My best to you, LeAnn. I hope it goes well and easy. I hope you can donate that hair to Locks of Love, looks like its long enough. Show us a picture of the new haircut!

Cynthia@Ornamental Style said...

Best of luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you well.

Cyndi

Spirited Earth said...

sending you good thoughts and prayers..stay strong.

Kashmira said...

Hugs to you LeAnn, hope you find the strength to see this through and the doctors quickly figure out what suits you best.

While you are at it, why not get a fun color for the short hair too?

LLYYNN - Lynn Davis said...

Not many people know that my husband went through surgery and chemo four years ago. It was rough, and trying to support him while he went through it was challenging. I support your decision to cut your hair now, in advance of the treatments - you have control over the top of your head this way! YAY!
His hair grew back slowly, and now it's back the way he used to be, and with a beard to boot! (you probably won't aspire for the beard, however, but seeing the eyebrows come back was pretty great at the time)

Hang in there, sounds like they are letting you know what to expect.

Have you considered maybe playing with some polymer clay, until you can get back to the real thing?
Hugs, Lynn

Melissa Meman said...

You will totally rock the short hair! I am thinking of you so hard through this journey. Thanks for updating us :)

Bobbie said...

Warm thoughts and healing prayers sent your way.

TesoriTrovati said...

Sweetheart. You are a beautiful soul. It doesn't matter the color of your hair or the size of your dress or any of those outward signs. It is about what is on the inside. This is a true test of that. You need to take that control but you also need to know that you are more beautiful and shine more brightly when you let go of all of that. I am proud of you for doing for yourself something positive and special and for not letting this next phase strip you bare. You are an amazing woman full of life and I am standing here in awe of your strength and depth. Know that I am thinking of you today and always.
Enjoy the day.
Erin

Coffeefreek53 said...

I just discovered your blog which I think is fate. I've done cancer and chemo. So agree about the hair, makes it easier when it falls out if it is shorter. Take good care of yourself. Keep your sense of humor and my best wishes for a speedy recovery and back to what you love.

Cynthia said...

I hope you look and feel fabulous after your day of pampering! You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you move into the next phase of your treatments! Stay strong as you are.

Babs said...

You are a beautiful person with or without hair. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow and praying things go easy and smooth. Best wishes my friend.

Lesley said...

Wishing you the very best LeAnn - hope theycan optimise your treatment quickly.

Nena said...

Lots of prayers and strong wave lenghts coming your way. I hope you enjoyed your pedi,aren't they the best?

windrock studio said...

Hey LeAnn, so nice to see your beautiful smiling face! You are certainly being held in a warm, caring space here and residing in many hearts. Look forward to updates, hope you'll be back out in your garden soon xo

Lucid Moon Studio said...

Good thoughts and Cooper kisses being sent your way! Would love to see you with short hair. Enjoy your day of pampering and see you next week :)

sharon said...

I am carrying you with me every day and keeping you strong. Just let life happen, and you will be taken care of. This is what you need to do now....each day will be better. lOVE YOU.

Patti Van said...

I am going to use "mature platinum blonde" next time I have to describe my haircolor! I am keeping you in my daily prayers..I wish you peace. And, keep on thinking happy thoughts of thay new grandbaby!!!

Shelby Foxwell said...

I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Enjoy your pampering!

steufel said...

Oh LeAnn, what can I say - you are in my prayers.

Colleen said...

Know that you are surrounded in light and love by so many who care about you! You are strong and beautiful beyond words. Your body is strong & has an amazing ability to heal. Sending you lots of love!

Patty said...

Sounds like you've got this by the horns, LeAnn, and I'm awed. Great to hear that you're getting some well deserved pampering time in. You will rock that new hair!

Beth Hemmila said...

Thinking of you today and sending you love and prayers! xoxo Beth

marie said...

Was 'googling' and one thing led to the next and 'fell' on your blog and just read your last entry.
Been there, done that LOL with the chemo and radiation...Hang in there, have faith in your body and trust your medical team who's working with you in this.
All the very best,

Marie in Nova Scotia

Izzy said...

My hair dresser took me really short last visit and I'm so in love with my new do. So I say go for it. Cut it all off! =) Those drugs sound rather yucky but I know they are a necessity. Everyday I send you good thoughts, big hugs and lots of healing goodness.

Barb Fernald said...

I hope you felt pampered and special yesterday. Smart move with the hair cut, pedicure and massage.
You sound like you are dealing with your chemo head on and with a sense of humor.
I thought of you a lot today and will keep you in my thoughts all along. I love seeing all the support in this blogging community. You have been a big part of it for others and now we are all here for you.
Thanks for keeping us up to date.
xoxo

Erin Siegel said...

Thinking of you, my friend. So glad to hear you are taking care of yourself!

SueBeads said...

My heart hurts for you right now - I hope you get the lightest side effects that you can possibly get! I'm thinking of you!

Birgitta Lejonklou said...

Dear LeAnn,
I am sorry to hear that You have to go through this!
and like someone else wrote it is important to try and keep the sense of humour and some distance ...some of the time at least
I was in a rabbit hole myself for months waiting for surgery of my upper spine (where i now have titanium) not being able to walk or sit for more than a few minutes..just listening to CD- books...all I could do..
and the sense of humour did help me a lot and the love of friends and family
but in a way You are alone in those things and only God / Spirit / Universal energy is with You and there is a good help just letting go of control and letting God take over the healing...
Doctors can give You meds and stuff but the healing comes from spirit...and as You are a great artist spirit must be close to You...(hope this make sense as Im Swedish and do not get the words right all the time)
Will send You healing thoughts and thank You for sharing

DeborahRead.com said...

Your positive views towards the treatments is inspirational. Take your time - pamper yourself - feel good.

Laura Twiford said...

LeAnn, you have such a beautiful, loving smile that the hair is a distant second! It is so good to see you pampering yourself and having such a positive attitude going forward, you will certainly be triumphant! The whole one size fits all cocktail does sound a little scary, i pray for the Drs. wisdom to get it right quickly for you! Big Hugs, Laura